A Thousand Words

A picture is worth a thousand words. We have all heard that phrase a million times. It really is amazing how a picture can evoke so much from our minds. Smell, taste, touch and much more. 

My mom’s passing brought out many picture albums, old wonderfully discolored boxes and cardboard picture covers. From the 50, 60 etc. Pictures of my dad as a little boy in Flin Flon from the 30s, Piney and Vassar from the 40’s and Winnipeg of the 50s.

My dad wasn’t one to sit and reflect, look at pictures or watch videos but lately we’ve done a lot of it. New albums with old memories keep emerging from the closet.

In todays world, Instagram and the electronic files of pictures is rampant. If you want to look at a picture turn your phone on or Ipad or laptop. Where is the rough texture of old print paper, the look of wrinkled covers and torn cracked edges of a page in an album.

There just isn’t anything, anything that compares to holding onto and looking through old pictures. Create an album today and put it away. The smiles it will bring when 10,20,30 years from now, you pull it out and touch the past, priceless.

my mom and dad circa 1954

Feel Your Breath

Yesterday was about looking and calling for brother Miko in heaven, looking for her husband behind a locked door, not knowing who is there.

Yesterday was about wanting to go home because she is needed, why can’t I go, why don’t you listen. Yesterday was about finding her voice, when nutrient deprivation won’t let her. Smell, taste, nothing. 

Yesterday was about going to South America, so we went where it was warm. The sun was bright. Where are my glasses.

Mom struggled to make sense of our world. It was so different from what we saw. What was she thinking, what did she see. We struggled to make sense of her world, what did we see. 

Don’t struggle, release, let it go. Find peace with what you see in front of you, in front of me. See the moment, it changed, see the new moment, it changed. Go with the flow of what you see.

Love, peace, freedom to live or die. Go find Miko and watch our moments change from the sky. Rest and comfort, no pain only time. but what is time? 

Friday was about leaving this plane of existence. Of finding her brother and mother once again. Peaceful she sleeps until we see her again.

Friday was about letting go. Finding new moments to live. Family, friends, coping, celebrating life. 

Feel the sun, feel the rain, feel your heartbeat. Breathe deep, breathe deep again, be free, happy. let the doves fly free.

life goes on.....

Advice

I came to see my mom this morning, expecting her to be as sleepy and incoherent as she was on Saturday. Much to my surprise she was sitting up in her hospital bed and having a conversation, with herself mind you, but still words were flowing from her lips. Her dry cracked 86 year old lips. When she saw me she said oh my another visitor. Oh how many visitors did you have already today. At least 5 she said.

Later I figured out it was the nurses and healthcare aids, lab techs and visitors for the lady in the next bed.  Mom thought they were all coming to see her. It was a bit overwhelming since she couldn’t figure out who was who.

I sit beside my mom as she tells me what a funny day it is. I read her an email from my brother Larry. She doesn’t quite grasp that my brother is in Calgary. I put vaseline on her lips and she holds my hand. Looks me square in the eye and says who are you? Who am I, I ask back to her, my little Cathy she replies. I’m still her child and she is still my mom.

My mother keeps saying this is a funny day. The conversation flowed from taking a train to Chicago, to asking me who’s house we were in, to Andrew Jackson and Bridget Bardot. Clipping finger nails to sipping orange juice, to putting hand lotion on, to singing about a rose garden. Blood work taken, to moving into a chair.

Lunch was about eating soup, back scratches, making my dad sing “Pop goes the Weasle” when he couldn’t remember the words, not wanting to take meds, to eating caramel pudding.

The 4 hours went by quickly for me but for my mom time has no meaning. It was just a morning of asking questions, singing songs, saying you’re funny and smiling. As my mom got tucked into bed for an afternoon nap and I said my goodbyes, she said we should just all love each other, since we’re all eating soup anyway today.

Mom is right soup is always good any day, no matter where you are or who you’re with and we should just all love each other!  Words to live by.

Live, Laugh, Love

and listen and feel and talk and see and be and do and smell etc etc etc. Sometimes it just seems like there is too much for me to be aware of. I try to live in the moment, try to be present and focused from minute to minute. 

Try it, take typing a blog for instance. I’m sitting in an office chair which feels to low, so I readjust. Feet firmly on floor, shoulders rolled back and down, head down, chin in, tummy tight. Whew I haven’t even gotten to my arm height, keyboard ergonomics etc.

Then to focus on the words, uh don’t let your shoulders sag, have you eaten recently, where is my glass of water, I also hydrate while I write, have no idea why, guess cause its in the morning and sipping on a smokey port at this time may not be a healthy option.

Shit forgot to sign up for the gym class, be right back!

Our days are filled with hundreds of thoughts and things to do. Make lists, write out things you want to get done today, this week, this month. When you do something from the list don’t just check it off take a pen and make a thick line through it. Its really done, don’t think about it, move on. And boy does it feel good. 

Here is important thing number 1, be flexible. Sometimes things happen around you that you can’t control. Yes as silly as that sounds to some of you Type A people, go with the flow. Maybe I find it easier to do because I’m a Pisces, we morph and change with the environment. 

Important thing number 2, don’t wait, life goes on without you, people move on, things happen and if you just keep going through your mundane life without goals, without dreams, without motivation to try new things, eat new foods, meet new people, your stagnation will lead to illness and an early demise. 

Important thing number 3, laugh. A sense of humor about yourself and others can sure make life a lot more bearable especially through the tough times. There is definitely laughing space in my life.

Important thing number 4, love. Find someone to share your thoughts, dreams, life with. Find someone who truly loves you because you are who you are. The goofy, smart, sensitive, beautiful person they see in their eyes when they look at you. They want to be with you.

Life is simple, we make it complicated. Each day I truly live, laugh and love for my body, mind and soul.