So here I was just going along with life as it was a big bowl of cherries. Sweet and juicy and all is well; well only half was well. The amazing thing to me is that I knew what I was doing but didn't want to face it I'm sure. It took an amazingly intuitive friend to be honest with me as to how they saw me and it wasn't real pretty.
Over the past little while I was trying to make my life so perfect, so fun, so good, that I wasn't willing to see anything else. What I actually was doing was causing a split within me, a seperation of my conscious and unconscious state. Instead of reflecting and questioning and working through the negative feelings of the unconscious, I was hiding them, pushing them back deeper and deeper. After all they were the "bad" and I wanted to be good, right? Well what I was actually doing was allowing the negatives of the unconscious to grow and have power over me, without me realizing it.
It took a lot of tears, alone time, really pulling deep into the fears and all the negative emotions and coming to the understanding the self is me and I am the conscious and unconscious together- that make me whole. I can't give power to the negatives but must recognize and work through the emotions which in turn will lesson their power over me.
I felt like I tore through a wall of seperation to start rebuilding, recreating my true self. For 2 days I barely ate, slept or talked. Just questioned, wrote and allowed feelings to truly rise. So instead of limiting myself, limiting others, feeling scared to be on my own, feeling fear of not being truly loved or fear of the future, guilt, shame, attachment, etc etc and there were alot I was trying to push deep down. I know by recognizing and dealing with the unconscious will allow me to grow and create the life I truly will love.
Now that the wall has been dismantled, the work begins to rebuild, recreate a new self. I am thank full for the people around me who ask me what they can do to help. Really a little energy healing, a little guidance from friends and a whole lot of choices to make. Understanding myself is the first step in understanding the world I live in and how I can do what makes me happy, be successful, help my community, be a loved one to others and love others openly and deeply. I need to figure out my vision, what I truly want, what my values are and start living towards the life that will fullfil me during this time on earth.
The self is fluid and changes as we experience and learn and grow and that is exciting to me. I know I am whole when I recognize, admit and workthrough the feelings in my shadow which is an inspiring part of me just like the conscious is. There is ongoing work, a constant reflection of feelings, but the recognition of the shadow was huge for me and I will continue to get to know my whole self the conscious and unconscious together as one.
As I follow my path on my never ending journey this is a time I will look back and say I learned a huge lesson, I am so grateful for as it will truly help me awaken my body, mind and soul.
I am grateful for the writings of Deepak Chopra- I have learned so much
