Wow, its been that long since I wrote. November of 2011???? what have I been doing! I really wanted to get my body into the best shape ever. So I've spent a lot of time working out. Exercising hard at cross fit, on my own, boxing, riding, xcountry skiing, etc. All things physical. It takes a lot of will power, a lot of intention setting to work out that much that hard. And I feel so much stronger physically and I know it took a lot of mental energy too.
Besides working out, I was trying so hard to get involved in so many things that I let what is truly important to me fall away. I was pushing, struggling, fighting - so hard. Boy it does take a lot of energy and whats left? a negative, not very fun person. Why was I fighting so hard, for what? Fear of not being accepted, fear of falling behind, fear of not being successful, fear, fear, fear. Fuck fear!
I was starting to let fear have power over me again. Instead of just stopping- sitting quiet, reflecting, I was running. Now when I look back Im sure I looked like the hamster on a treadmill- with more muscle of course and making everything else in my life seem strong and okay because thats the message I was giving off.
I lost the beauty in the moment, I stopped loving myself and forgot about what makes me feel good, aligned with my true self, the soul that guides me. It wasn't until my friend looked at me and said, what are you fighting for? Surrender. Do you see what you are doing to yourself, to others?
Until that moment I truly believe I saw but I didn't know how to get off the track. It was like momentum was carrying me. So with harshness of truth staring at me, I not only saw, but jumped off the track. thank goodness cause I didn't want to be a train wreck.
I realized I was totally off balance. The weight of exercising so hard was throwing my scale way to one side. I stepped back and said shit, I need to reconcile with myself, to rebalance my energy. To get the scale back to zero. I need to do what is right, that which aligns actions with my soul.
When I stop struggling, fighting and let go so much more beauty, love and people show up in my life. Trust. I'm not going to stop working out, but I need to balance what it is that truly makes me happy.
Focusing on my soul needs is not an act of selfishness rather an act of self kindness that only heals and allows for so much more pure loving energy to flow outward.
I am proud of myself, I have accomplished a lot, I am so grateful to be accepted by sooo many friends, I am looking forward to my future. Not sure what all is going to happen but I am going to enjoy each moment of the journey with trust, inner balance, love and a little laughter along the way.
Thank you for reading and lets have an awesome day!
