Marriage

is a relationship that takes working together, like a three legged race. I'll explain later. Funny but when you first meet and fall in love with someone, do you ask them what their values are? Not many of us do, but I learned recently that is one of the topics couples should talk about before they are wed.

Once you understand that your core values are very similar, the rest should be easy peasy right? Well a marriage isn't a static relationship, because  you and I are not static beings. We grow, change, evolve, so why wouldn't our marriage relationship. It does, but when change occurs it takes a whole bunch of open honest communication to keep couples from moving in the wrong directions. Once you are married and figure out values are the same, the chances are you are right for each other as long as there isn't abuse or an addiction in the relationship.

I've been married for 14 years this August to a wonderful supportive, loving man, but our relationship has had ups and downs. Recently the downs were greater than the ups, added with house renovations my husband and I needed a time out! Sounds funny, but we were at such an impasse with the direction our lives were taking, our communication or lack there of, our connecting to each other, period.

We decided to see a marriage counsellor and boy it was the best thing we ever did. Sometimes it just takes a third party to help break down the wall we create and help us relearn how to connect and communicate. The marriage counsellor, reading many relationship articles and the knowing that our values were very similar has brought us back to a loving, communicative, supportive marriage. We have a deep love and respect for each other. We know we both still have some work to do so we can become the happily ever after couple we want to be, but we are willing to do the work.

Some of what we learned was:(1) be open and honest with your communication (2) ask don't demand from the other person (3) reflect on why a certain emotion has surfaced when your spouse says                      something (4) know you can't change your spouse, you can only change yourself (5) its okay to be an individual with your own goals,  needs, wants as long as you communicate that your spouse (6) Live life to the fullest with your spouse (7) don't be afraid to ask for third party help- if more couples did- divorce lawyers wouldn't be soooo busy.

Think about your marriage as a 3 legged race. Your inner leg is tied to your spouses inner leg and your outer legs are free to move as they please, swinging outward, stepping back, high knees etc- your individuality. Your inner legs are a bit more in sync- heading straight ahead. However if one spouse has a stronger pull to one side all legs must move in that direction or you fall down. Falling down is okay and sometimes needed, but remember with good, open communication you and your spouse can get back up, support each other and move ahead. 

Its not about the end of the race its about being passionate, travelling, sharing, learning, the journey you take to get wherever you are going!!!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201112/are-you-the-right-mate