A Thousand Words

A picture is worth a thousand words. We have all heard that phrase a million times. It really is amazing how a picture can evoke so much from our minds. Smell, taste, touch and much more. 

My mom’s passing brought out many picture albums, old wonderfully discolored boxes and cardboard picture covers. From the 50, 60 etc. Pictures of my dad as a little boy in Flin Flon from the 30s, Piney and Vassar from the 40’s and Winnipeg of the 50s.

My dad wasn’t one to sit and reflect, look at pictures or watch videos but lately we’ve done a lot of it. New albums with old memories keep emerging from the closet.

In todays world, Instagram and the electronic files of pictures is rampant. If you want to look at a picture turn your phone on or Ipad or laptop. Where is the rough texture of old print paper, the look of wrinkled covers and torn cracked edges of a page in an album.

There just isn’t anything, anything that compares to holding onto and looking through old pictures. Create an album today and put it away. The smiles it will bring when 10,20,30 years from now, you pull it out and touch the past, priceless.

my mom and dad circa 1954

Feel Your Breath

Yesterday was about looking and calling for brother Miko in heaven, looking for her husband behind a locked door, not knowing who is there.

Yesterday was about wanting to go home because she is needed, why can’t I go, why don’t you listen. Yesterday was about finding her voice, when nutrient deprivation won’t let her. Smell, taste, nothing. 

Yesterday was about going to South America, so we went where it was warm. The sun was bright. Where are my glasses.

Mom struggled to make sense of our world. It was so different from what we saw. What was she thinking, what did she see. We struggled to make sense of her world, what did we see. 

Don’t struggle, release, let it go. Find peace with what you see in front of you, in front of me. See the moment, it changed, see the new moment, it changed. Go with the flow of what you see.

Love, peace, freedom to live or die. Go find Miko and watch our moments change from the sky. Rest and comfort, no pain only time. but what is time? 

Friday was about leaving this plane of existence. Of finding her brother and mother once again. Peaceful she sleeps until we see her again.

Friday was about letting go. Finding new moments to live. Family, friends, coping, celebrating life. 

Feel the sun, feel the rain, feel your heartbeat. Breathe deep, breathe deep again, be free, happy. let the doves fly free.

life goes on.....

Advice

I came to see my mom this morning, expecting her to be as sleepy and incoherent as she was on Saturday. Much to my surprise she was sitting up in her hospital bed and having a conversation, with herself mind you, but still words were flowing from her lips. Her dry cracked 86 year old lips. When she saw me she said oh my another visitor. Oh how many visitors did you have already today. At least 5 she said.

Later I figured out it was the nurses and healthcare aids, lab techs and visitors for the lady in the next bed.  Mom thought they were all coming to see her. It was a bit overwhelming since she couldn’t figure out who was who.

I sit beside my mom as she tells me what a funny day it is. I read her an email from my brother Larry. She doesn’t quite grasp that my brother is in Calgary. I put vaseline on her lips and she holds my hand. Looks me square in the eye and says who are you? Who am I, I ask back to her, my little Cathy she replies. I’m still her child and she is still my mom.

My mother keeps saying this is a funny day. The conversation flowed from taking a train to Chicago, to asking me who’s house we were in, to Andrew Jackson and Bridget Bardot. Clipping finger nails to sipping orange juice, to putting hand lotion on, to singing about a rose garden. Blood work taken, to moving into a chair.

Lunch was about eating soup, back scratches, making my dad sing “Pop goes the Weasle” when he couldn’t remember the words, not wanting to take meds, to eating caramel pudding.

The 4 hours went by quickly for me but for my mom time has no meaning. It was just a morning of asking questions, singing songs, saying you’re funny and smiling. As my mom got tucked into bed for an afternoon nap and I said my goodbyes, she said we should just all love each other, since we’re all eating soup anyway today.

Mom is right soup is always good any day, no matter where you are or who you’re with and we should just all love each other!  Words to live by.

Live, Laugh, Love

and listen and feel and talk and see and be and do and smell etc etc etc. Sometimes it just seems like there is too much for me to be aware of. I try to live in the moment, try to be present and focused from minute to minute. 

Try it, take typing a blog for instance. I’m sitting in an office chair which feels to low, so I readjust. Feet firmly on floor, shoulders rolled back and down, head down, chin in, tummy tight. Whew I haven’t even gotten to my arm height, keyboard ergonomics etc.

Then to focus on the words, uh don’t let your shoulders sag, have you eaten recently, where is my glass of water, I also hydrate while I write, have no idea why, guess cause its in the morning and sipping on a smokey port at this time may not be a healthy option.

Shit forgot to sign up for the gym class, be right back!

Our days are filled with hundreds of thoughts and things to do. Make lists, write out things you want to get done today, this week, this month. When you do something from the list don’t just check it off take a pen and make a thick line through it. Its really done, don’t think about it, move on. And boy does it feel good. 

Here is important thing number 1, be flexible. Sometimes things happen around you that you can’t control. Yes as silly as that sounds to some of you Type A people, go with the flow. Maybe I find it easier to do because I’m a Pisces, we morph and change with the environment. 

Important thing number 2, don’t wait, life goes on without you, people move on, things happen and if you just keep going through your mundane life without goals, without dreams, without motivation to try new things, eat new foods, meet new people, your stagnation will lead to illness and an early demise. 

Important thing number 3, laugh. A sense of humor about yourself and others can sure make life a lot more bearable especially through the tough times. There is definitely laughing space in my life.

Important thing number 4, love. Find someone to share your thoughts, dreams, life with. Find someone who truly loves you because you are who you are. The goofy, smart, sensitive, beautiful person they see in their eyes when they look at you. They want to be with you.

Life is simple, we make it complicated. Each day I truly live, laugh and love for my body, mind and soul. 

The Art of Dying

As a child I always thought of my parents as so old. Not just mine, but all parents were old to me. I thought I was very lucky though because I had two parents, some kids I went to school with weren’t so lucky I thought, they only have 1 parent. Each year I looked forward to my birthday, anxious to grow up become a teen, then graduate from high school. Work, university, marriage, babies, travel, whatever the next years bring, I didn’t really think too much about my parents aging.

If your parents are fairly healthy, you don’t think about them dying. I remember my grandmother dying, she was really old, 94 years to be exact. She was also overweight and had many health concerns. I was thankful then my parents were active, fairly healthy and somehow not that old to me.

However over the years, I came to terms with my parents becoming less active, less healthy and older. With age came, heart attacks, angioplasty, stents and joint replacement surgery.

With age also came, many miles of travel throughout the US and Canada. Many beautiful and memorable moments with grandchildren, many more laughs, big family get togethers that were loud and crazy. And at each one, my dad always blessed the meal and thanked the lord that we were all here together one more time.

Nine years ago my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Nine years of borrowed time as my brother put it. My mom was always a fighter, never believing in medical intervention, never doubting that when it was her time to go, it was her time to go, end of story. This was truly the first time my mom and dad talked openly about dying. They went and purchased all their funeral arrangements so not to burden the children. They let each of us know of their wishes and had their wills re-written. Death isn't something I wanted to dwell on, but looking back these conversations were important and part of my aging parents reality. Looking back I'm glad my parents and I had an open, honest chat about life and death.

Last Tuesday at 86 yrs old, my mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital, after 4 days of not keeping food in her stomach. For my mom to agree to go to a hospital, you know she wasn’t well. I looked at my mom and saw for the first time a tired, old women. Even though her body was giving out, my mom managed to joke around with medical staff and spoke philosophically about life and death. Friday was the family meeting with the doc to tell us how bad the cancer had spread and asked my mom what her wishes were.

She decided on a dnr on her chart, no interventions except for pain and chatted with me about all the things she has accomplished in life. She has accepted her fate gracefully and now it is our turn to do the same. Life is about living it to the fullest, being happy with the path you choose, staying healthy and accepting when the two ends of the spectrum meet to complete the circle of life.

Now we wait, sharing stories, laughing, crying and comforting each other as my mom prepares herself for the next phase of her journey and I prepare as well. I have longevity in my genes, so I will do everything I can to stay healthy until I become an old, tired women and my daughter and I will have many chats about life and death.

We can't prevent death. We can't prevent aging from occurring but we can slow the process. I will exercise, eat nutrient dense meals, reduce stress, sleep well and live life to the fullest. I want to live til I'm 86 (at least) and be healthy in body, mind and soul. 

Its Not Always About Physical Health

I read Psychology Today magazine religiously, it seriously is like a bible to me. My husband Neil is taking his masters degree and one of his courses was on eating disorders. He was reading an article in PT and when finished popped the magazine in the recycling bin. It was garbage day and I was taking the trash out and noticed the bright front cover of PT so I picked it out of the recycling bin.

The article Neil read was on behavior change. Not only did I read that article I read every one in that issue and continue to read PT on a regular basis. The latest article I read that resonated with me was on Relational Values and its importance for our mental health.

There is so much written by so many people on what we should do to keep our bodies physically fit, to prevent disease, to live longer, to live healthier from a physical perspective. But there is not a lot written by many people on the emotional/mental aspect of health.

Many people know they lack self confidence, self esteem, feel anger, depressed etc. but  they many not know why they feel that way or how to get themselves out of feeling that way. So their mental health is one of the spokes not lined up in the wheel of life. (I love riding and every time I see a balanced wheel spin - it is my analogy for a healthy life). We all know how important relationships are to our mental health and the PT article explained how the value we place on these relationships correlates to positive mental health.

The article in PT goes on to talk about the importance of relationships in ones life and of a concept called relational value. This is the value we self impose on the relationship with important people in our lives. If we don’t feel we have any relationships or we don’t value those relationships we have a huge void in becoming a healthy human.

Humans are social creatures. I live in Winnipeg where per capita we have more restaurants then anywhere in Canada. We socialize in places like coffee shops, restaurants etc. Look at the social media revolution. It is easier to link up with people all over the world than ever before. We wouldn’t think anyone would have a problem finding a relationship.

But its not just finding people to socialize with its about the value you place on that relationship. Its about the feelings you and the other person express, the thoughtfulness, sacrifices made, etc show the value that is placed on that relationship. It  is also about how we respond to changes in a relational value. 

The PT article tells how a positive change sparks happiness, pride, love, joy etc and how a negative change may spark hurt, anger, resentment etc. It is how we learn, grow and move forward in our relational changes that helps create who we are. But it is how we value ourselves that is of huge importance. We need the balance between self focused and community focused to be healthy. Our self confidence, self reliance, achievement, power balanced with giving, loving, compassion, self sacrifice will bring about healthy relationships.

Sometimes people know they lack relationship value but don’t know what to do about it and sometimes people deny, or put up a wall that doesn’t allow them to have relationships and doesn’t allow others in that may see the relationship with you as value.

The author Gregg Henriques, Ph.D. of the PT article goes on to say he believes the “high paced, economically driven, highly complex society, we have inadvertently created a society that has many, many cracks for people to fall through. People who feel devalued and who don’t know how to change and who don’t know what to do with their feelings that result”. 

Dr. Henriques goes on to ask whether as a society we should be looking at ways to measure relational value. 

Perhaps we need to work toward developing a society that utilizes relational value to increase positive mental health. As someone who works at keeping all the spokes balanced in my wheel of life I know the importance of relationships and the value I place on them has such a positive impact on my body, mind and soul.

                                      

I AM AN OLYMPIAN!!!!

Okay those who really know me, know that I am not an athlete that actually competed at the 2012 London Games. However, lets think about this carefully, is 2016 out of the question? Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro! How cool would that be!  

I just watched Clara Hughes compete in road cycling at age 39! There is a member of the Canadian women’s rowing team who is 53!!! Okay she doesn’t actually row but sits in the bow and barks out the tempo and hey I’m between 39 and 53 soooo maybe?

My point is age has only a part to do with your chances of being on an Olympic team. Your will power, skill and bodies ability to endure plays a role. Of course there are some sports that younger athletes do better in, so I just have to choose my sport wisely! 

Archery for example in London 2012, Karen Hultzer (RSA) was the oldest woman on the archery field at 46. Remarkably, she had never picked up a bow before five years ago. I tried it once in high school and liked it, although the bow string hit my forearm and left a welt as big as a softball and I couldn’t hit the target.

What about fencing? I think it looks cool, the shiny armour dress and headgear and those gloves, oooh I’m all over that! I’ve never actually poked a sabre at anyone, but practiced with broom sticks jousting with my daughter Sarah. One of us usually got smacked on the hand and then ended up tickling the other into submission. I guess tickling your fencing opponent might be frowned on? Just a guess but not sure the Queen would approve, all that giggling would send her into a tizzy. 

There is shooting then. I shot a gun once in Piney Manitoba at the gravel pit. My dad and uncle would line up old cans and bottles and we tried to shoot them off a fence post. I can’t remember actually hitting a target and I think I hurt my shoulder once.  Hmmmm this is getting harder. 

What about horse jumping? Ian Miller on team Canada is 65 years old and competed in London 2012.  I like horses and I rode a few times, never fell off either. Not sure I want my horse to jump while I’m on its back. Yeah I think I just dropped horse jumping from my list and I’m way too young!

Is knitting, crocheting, basket weaving or bracelet making (I only use those small plastic beads that my nieces share with me) Olympic events yet! 

Alright maybe Olympic blogging, tweeting or messaging athletes IS the way to go. 

Wow, all those sports I played in high school. Basketball, softball, volleyball, soccer, even women’s ice hockey when women’s ice hockey wasn’t cool yet! I was super athletic growing up. Tennis, badminton, golf, curling (a lot of curling- on ice and off, poker straight hair) just to name a few. Played field hockey in university for one term, but that ball was sooo hard and those sticks whacking against my legs—oooh that hurt!

And come on I lift weights, do TRX, crossfit, road ride, trail ride, toss a basketball now and again, swat at a birdie when I can find someone to play with, fling a frissbe err I mean disk, and throw a football.  All athletic feats in my mind! 

So I guess that’s it, I missed my opportunity to participate in the Olympics. So at 49 calendar years (even though my mind is telling me I’m only 29 yrs), I’ll stick to my own Olympic prowess and my own gold medal standings!  My own competitions and pushing myself to my limits. That is my personal growth for awakening my body, my mind and my soul! I am an Olympian!

And you, be the best athlete you can be! Get back on track no matter what sport you play, no matter what your athleticism level, you know- “Play Safe and Have Fun”, it is the participation that matters.  “Just Do It” stop talking about starting an exercise program, And .....“Go”!